Why does this always happen to me? I’m really starting to hate life. Everyone thinks I am strong, but I’m not at all. Strong people dont always want to die. Strong people dont cry like I do. Strong people dont let little things bother then like I do. No one knows what its like inside my head because no one truely cares. They just wanna hear good things, but let one bad thing come up and it’s all they focus on. And then they run. I guess they dont want to be a friend when I need a shoulder to cry on, but they expect me to be there when they do… and like an idiot I am, I’m there everytime. I care too much. My heart opens up to people like it should, but only people who seem to take any interest in me are those who are vile and arrogant and cruel. I’m not letting any more in, and those who are in… it’s time to push them away too. Being a friendless hermit is easier than this bs, because if I stay at home and be secluded I’ll at least know why I’m getting the short end of that stick. If I weren’t so afraid of leaving certain people behind, like the only person I’ll ever love as much as I do, I would’ve already committed suicide. I know no one sees these, but I really wish they would. I need help. I need a hug. I need my shoulder to cry on… Oh yeah, thats right… thats why I’m here. To type to cyberspace something that no one else cares to hear anyway.
So many things just do not make any sense any more. No matter how hard I try, no matter how good of a person I know I can be and am, if something can go wrong… It will. I’ve started to become one of those people who doesnt even look at them selves in the mirror, not because they dont like what they see, but because I dont care. There is nothing special when I look into the mirror. All I see is the ugly chick who is just wanted for a friend, nothing more. And thats all I will ever be to anyone. No one understands and say my day will come, but those are the same people who have someone they can cuddle up to. Someone they can kiss, love on, hold… and now with me becoming a trucker, chances of that dwindle down even further. There is only one I want right now, but as I sit next to her, listening to her, holding her when she cries, feeds her… I mean for fucks sake she said “Mirrors” was our song, and its a love song! I get so many mixed signals. As I sit next to her, talking about us getting an apartment in the future, making future plans… she talks to other girls. Now I could be happy to have a friend like her in my life. Someone who has treated me the way no one ever has, someone who doesnt cry in front of anyone else, but trusts me enough to cry in front of me, someone I respect and adore more than anyone I’ve ever known… and I am happy. Lucky, in fact. Because people like her are rare and few and far in between. But the majority is heartbroken, because I will never have her. Because she doesnt see me the way I see her. She sees me as her Broski. And thats all I will ever be to her… SMDH. I give up. On everything. I dont talk to people much anymore because I dont care to. It doesnt solve anything, and the last time I truely opened up myself to who I thought was a close friend, I even cried, I was told that I was just having a “Pity party.” Yet I listen to her ramble on and on about a guy who when he is on his usual 2-3 day separation from his psycho gf, he runs to her… And how she loves him, and how his dick is perfect. I dont complain. Instead I find it an honor that someone trusts me enough to discuss issues of the heart. But I feel it isnt the same with me. Those I have come to love, will never want me, like anyone else does. Maybe when I become a trucker, I wont come back. What is the point? By the time I do return the one I want will be loving yet another girl who she will end up hating in 2-3 months, and come running to me to vent. Or to friends who want me to listen to their issues, and when I go to open my mouth I have “pity parties.” You werent invited to that party, dont remember seeing you on the guest list in my pity. Oh wait, I’m not listed there either? Shit. Does that make me my own pity party crasher?
Its almost a week away from Christmas and all I have asked for is a girl to call mine. It’s that time of year when everyone is hooking up and I feel left behind. Again. I know I’m not perfect by no means, and I’ve hurt some ppl before. But does that mean I must remain alone? Constantly… I hear friends talking, gushing about the ones who they love, or are in love with. And it makes me think of my friends, and how NONE of them will ever look at me in the same light as I’ve seen them. I’m always too late in telling those I love, that I love them. Too late, they dont feel the same, or they are Bi and dont date same gender. All I want to do is treat a girl like a princess, to wrap her in my arms. Just to feel her warmth, and let her feel mine. To lay my head on her chest and fall asleep to the rhythm of her heartbeat. Trace my fingers over every inch of her body, that way, even when she isnt with me, I can still remember how her body feels. I’m tired of hearing about your significant other. Esp if they arent yours yet. You forget how much it hurts those who want to share their love, but with none who wants it. :(
Fuck you Santa. I wanted to meet a nice girl, and I have. But your tricked me… they ARENT wanting a woman. I no longer want a girl… I do, however, want a gun. Because I’m really fucking tired of struggling. Tired of being alone. And tired of pretending things are ok. And lying to those who ask with a simple “I’m fine.” Funny how ppl tend to ignore those who ask their friends the most if they are ok… Maybe I asked you that, hoping you’d ask the same, and would call me out on my bullshit when I lied about being fine.
But no one cares. :/
Shut up and take my money!!!!
Ok. So a lot of things have gone down within the past week, and a few people I recently met who I care about have been hurt, while the other set of friends, who most of which I have known since 1999 has done worse then my new friends, yet are putting all the blame on them. Uhg… In everything that happened, I was told to choose which side I’m gonna be on. My new friends, are who I pick. I’m sorry to the band, and the girls, but you cant call someone else a whore, when at the same party you did worse than she did. That is like the pot calling the kettle black. Also, why you gotta keep changing your story??? I dont play that and you know I’ll fight for what I believe is right. I chose some people I just met a lil over a month ago, but we have so many inside jokes like we have known each other for years, over friends I’ve had half my life. That should tell you something.
On a happier note… I kidnapped my ladies last night and took them out to cheer them up. Even tho we only went to Waffle House, Walmart, and a playground, we had fun. Didnt have to drink, didnt have to smoke weed. Yet the way we act, how ham we can be, almost like we were high. This is the first set of people I’ve never felt like I had to smoke around, and it’s marvelous. We all connect on a whole diff level. And to top it all off? They are fucking gorgeous. Idk how I managed to get these beautiful ladies as friends, but I LOVE it! :D I love my girls, and if some group of people want to start shit, let them… but I promise you, in order to get to my girls, you’ll have to go thru me. And as long as there is breath in my body, I WILL FIGHT!
This years Zombie Walk was spectacular!!! Over 600+ undead roamed the streets of Augusta, GA. There was also a crowd for Border Bash, the 2 chainz concert, and just First Friday in general. It was there that I met the people who would have a great impact in my life, and not even knowing them for long. And through those ladies, I’ve met more great friends, each having a different impact on my life. Strange how things happen. These girls are gorgeous, like a pro sport to my Pee-Wee version(In regards to looks). They make me want to be different. To grow out my hair and dress nicer. Positive friends like them are the ones I need. They keep lifting me up, calling me beautiful… And when beautiful people call you beautiful, it must be true. For once I am believing what so many others have been telling me for years. I think I am finally starting to find myself, now all I need to do is get my shit together. Relationships will come in time, but when life is ready for me to. I have a feeling the one for me is already in my life, at least I hope so… and if it is who I am thinking it is… I found my Megan Fox, because she looks JUST like her… or so close it’s scary :)
So as of late I’ve made a lot more friends and these girls are awesome… and so damn beautiful and I’m lucky that they would want to hang out with me… I’d love to do more than kiss them randomly… but thats all I get. Just kisses. I’ve been told by several people over the years about how good of a friend I am. how sweet and caring. I’m what everyone says they want, and I’m not that way because that is what someone wants… I’m nice and care because that is just me. Yet I never get a chance. Irks me… but I guess thats life. Some people are the main course that everyone wants… some are the free sides that come with said main course… may not be what the person wanted, but since it came with it, they take it… Some are the dessert… Me? Oh, I’m the napkin… used to clean up hot messes and then tossed to the side. I go to war for my friends… fight for them… die for them, kill even… but I feel like if it were me on the wire… I wouldnt have support, just a bunch of onlookers hoping that I’ll be ok, but no one to help. Thats how it’s always been for me. People say just wait and it’ll come, but it NEVER has. So I’m forced to want it worse than anyone, and try so damn hard to get things that come easily to others because I’m not beautiful… I’m not what someone wants to see in the morning laying next to them apparently. IDK what to do cuz apparently being myself isnt working. Everyone is getting together and I’m always a 3rd wheel. And it’s not fun at all.
So I’ve had some followers ask me why I dont post much lately. It’s about the same reason why I haven’t been posting much on Facebook; either nothing to say, or I’m just moody. I have all these things welling up inside my head, things other people dont care about. School is almost over, I’m hoping to have a job soon, and I’ve recently come to terms with myself on how I will be alone for possibly the rest of my life. It has nothing to do with how I act, because there are plenty of weirdos out there. It has nothing to do with my looks, because I dont look too shabby. It’s just I dont trust easily and have commitment issues. Maybe I cant commit because I haven’t found the right person yet, well, I have found the perfect person, but she doesnt want me the same as I want her. She was the one who got away… twice. No matter how much I say I give up on trying, I never give up. “Focus on yourself and the right one will find you” That is what I hear. Their GPS must be broken, because I’ve done nothing but focus on myself. I approach people, but it’s so disheartening when no one ever comes to you for once. I’m pretty, I’m a great cuddle buddy/lover, and I’m worth it. Thats what I tell myself. One day, someone will see it too.